Back in September I wrote about how my mother decided to lay her anxiety on me about my aliyah. It revolved around her worry that I wont be able to pay her back the money she loaned me when Autumn was at UC Davis. I knew then that she really wasn’t supportive of my choice. She wants to be supportive but my leaving is a loss for her. Any way this update is not a rehashing of that it’s more about what I realized with this happening.
I have a tendency to be secretive. I knew it was a way of protecting myself but I couldn’t quite figure out why that it. I have started learning more about shadow work and our shadow selves (which can be called other things like the unconscious). Basically its that part of us that is vulnerable and afraid. So my tendency to keep secrets revolves around my fear of not being successful. Of trying something new and it failing. If I fail what does this mean for me?
As I have continued to plan my aliyah I have decided on a few important things:
- I will have roommates for at least 6 months
- I will take Ulpan at night and have a job during the day
- I will take a job teaching, either nursery school/pre-school or kindergarten-Well be an Aid not a teacher
- I will keep my car and continue to pay-even double up if need be to pay it off so I can bring it over with a lower VAT tax
- I will have my own therapy practice-online and in home therapy, maybe sublet an office
Now the part thats hard. Who do I get to share his information with? Who will support me? I want to share my life but I don’t want to be kicked when I am down. I am really excited about this change/adventure and I feel like I’m welcoming the sacrifices.
Other areas that I worry about is just the long length of the flight for Autumn. It’s fifteen hours and she’s going to be under the plane alone. I am very anxious and sad for her, because I worry she will be lonely and maybe bark herself into a tizzy and have a heart attack. That would break my heart. I know this fear is irrational and thankfully it doesn’t occupy my mind, but I’d be lying if i didn’t admit to having the feelings and thoughts from time to time.
I’m happy that I have started taking the time to read again and to work on my own mental health. Just reflective and open to expressing my own needs and wants and how to get this. I can count on sharing my dreams with my friends and having that support-not being kicked in the teeth. I am working on feeling less defensive when people ask me about my move and what I want to do, because more often than not, coworkers and friends are generally interested. I’m also surprised at the ignorance but thats the news’ fault, not theres.
My suggestions for coping with family who isn’t supportive of your dreams can be found in my blog “Losing Support from Loved Ones”. More important I wanted to share with other aliyah makers the rollercoaster of emotions you will feel as you go through this process and just what to expect in general.
- You will feel excited, anxious, excited, worried, sad, happy, etc.
- you will have the desire to keep your old life and then suddenly you’ll realize that you don’t really need all the stuff you think you’ll need and you’ll have a desire to downsize
- you will e overwhelmed by the negative comments. This can come from family, friends, strangers or comments you read on online groups from people who complain about the bureaucracy to people who complain about the low pay. IT will have a negative effect on you and make you question yourself. Hang in there-be present with those feelings, explore them and then move on
- you will find support in the most unlikely of places and be surprised by people who offer it. Embrace this
My overall take home is to be open, be present, sit with your feelings don’t avoid them, talk openly with people who are supportive of about everything involved with aliyah, going groups and stay connected.