Day 3

11:17 am: Last night I fell asleep at 7:30 and woke up at 11:30. The apartment was quiet so I got some tea, ate left over French fries and called my mother. It was a nice talk and I’m glad I was able to do it. I went to sleep around 2:30/3 and I woke up to some type of noise around 5:45. I went for a walk and got lost in the city so instead of walking five miles I waked 5.40 miles. 

Upon my arrival back to the apartment I checked fb-there were 5 messages. One was for the job in the Tel Aviv area teaching English after school. She seems nice and the pay is decent for part time work. We got to know each other briefly over the phone before  We scheduled a time to meet tomorrow, since I’ll be back in Tel Aviv on way to Herzliya. I messaged a few people about roommating and then showered. 

After I  showered it was time to get to the bus and back to Jerusalem. It’s funny the second time around I felt so comfortable as if I’ve done this before. (Oh wait I have yesterday). As I waited for the bus a woman began speaking to me in Hebrew. I had no idea what she was saying and I couldn’t even reply in Hebrew 😱. I was disappointed in myself for being caught off guard and not being able to respond in Hebrew even though I knew how. 

The bus arrived right as I got a call from my accommodations in Jerusalem Wednesday-Sunday. We coordinated when I would arrive and as I paid the bus driver the money he drops my change towards my hand but he misses and it lands on the ground. I just laugh because it’s such an Israeli thing. (A couple days back I got my receipt and debit card thrown back at me not gently tossed on the counter or placed in my hand). 

Evening: I met a new friend at her apartment in Nachlaot. When I first visited Nachlaot the day before I didn’t really like it. But this tour around I actually enjoyed the little city. There are lots of different kinds of people who are in this part of Jerusalem. Secular and Charedi. I had a chance to meet my new friends friends at the dog park who were also very nice. I also had a chance to spend some time at a beer place in the shuk. I had a taste of different kinds of beer which was fun. I really enjoyed this spiced cider that I had. I really enjoy cider. The new friend also helped me look at apartments on yad2 and even spoke to a couple people for me. Unfortunately they didn’t work out so we never got to see an apartment. 

IMG_6292.jpg

I also reached out in my whatsapp group for girls looking for an apartment. I had a girl reply saying that she and her friend might be interested. It’s so hard because I want to live alone but I don’t want to spend more than 2,000 shekels a month. Seeing my new friends little place was an inspiration though. She pays 3400 shekels a month and it’s all hers. That’s really not bad and I feel like Autumn would be happy to have a place with just her and I. On the other hand she is used to having Coco (my mom’s dog), my mom, and my younger brother and sister. It’s so hard to decided especially without a job. 

I keep thinking about the part time job prospect but I don’t know if it’s a good fit. I want to live in Jerusalem and the thought of coming every day to Tel Aviv for a job seems crazy to me. Maybe I’ll give myself until Thursday to figure this all out. 

After spending all day in Jerusalem I returned to TA to meet up with another friend. We had a couple drinks, shared a small snack and just talked. It was pretty cool and it’s nice to hang out in the evening time and see everyone outside still. I didn’t get back until 10pm and there was still a million people (figuratively) outside. Tel Aviv really reminds me of Paris and I think that’s why I’m starting to like it. 

 

Pilot Trip Day 2

img_6257

8:29pm: Again I could not sleep. I can’t figure out if it’s jet lag or some other reason. So I woke up at 2 am again and could not sleep. So at 5:30/6 I went for a walk. This time I visited the beach and it was beautiful. I got to explore a different neighborhood. More important I’m beginning to figure out where I am. One of my new routines, which actually is kind of an old routine that I haven’t done in 8-9 months, is to get up and walk 5 miles (today was 4.45 miles), come home, shower, drink tea and eat. I have about an hour to go before I need to catch the bus to head over to Jerusalem. I do feel a little tired but that’s probably from lack of sleep. 

10:38 am: I’m on bus 480 on my way to Jerusalem. I am so proud that I navigated getting on the first bus, bus 18 about a block away form my friends house, and then was able to follow moovit while the buss moved along to the new central bus station in Tel Aviv. Once there I was super overwhelmed so I asked a very handsome dark skinned Israeli guard where the bus to jerusalem was. 

“א׳פה אוטובןס ב׳רשל׳ם?” 

And you know what? He answered me in English and told me where to go lol. I keep thinking my accent must have been horrible. So then I get to the bus and the last person gets on and he shuts the door without me. I didn’t freak out but I was confused. I bought my ticket and then the next bus came immediately so I guess the other bus was late, I don’t know. So I successful get on the bus with all my crap and as I’m walking down the aisle I feel a tug. Of course my earbuds get caught in the seat. I’m trying to get them out and the line to get on builds. A nice gentleman attempts to help me but he can’t get them either. He gives up and keeps walking. I put myself down, go to the seat and after what seems like an eternity I get them out. So I’m sitting here comfortable on the bus on my way to my new home city and I’m feeling excited and happy. I can’t believe I’m really doing this. I mean the first time I went to Israel I was not daring. I didn’t really do anything alone other than walking around. I never braved public transportation or encounters with day to day people. I was feeling self conscious about not knowing. Not knowing the language and not knowing how things work. Now I’m embracing the not knowing and its not so bad. People can tell I’m not from here and they have been very helpful…or maybe this is how people are here in general.

4:17: I’m on my way back to Tel Aviv. I enjoyed my day overall in Jerusalem. I arrived at the central bus station and I walked to Nefesh B’Nefesh which is in the Giyat Shaul Neighborhood. The area is Orthodox/Ultra Orthodox. I saw women and girls in skirts, usually black, that went past their knees. I saw men with black hats, black jackets and the side curls (sorry I can’t remember what they are called). I saw fathers walking with their daughters to school and I saw others walking with their sons. I saw kids walking alone together. The neighborhood, which seemed so big to me felt like a place where everyone knew each other. Even though I am not apart of the orthodox community I liked the way they all seemed to coalesce around each other. 

I arrived at Nefesh B’Nefesh early. I waited until my advisor was ready. It was nice to meet her in person, not at all what I thought she would be like. She is very tough, I don’t know if she is from NY but she strikes me as a New Yorker. She asked me about my story and I shared. She asked me about my plan and what I’ve been doing here (mind you it’s still day 2). Well she did make me feel like I’ve been wasting my time since being here by asking me who I have been meeting with and what I have planned. She stressed the importance of me getting an apartment as added measure for my file to be pushed through and for me to make the flight on December 27. She said they would be more likely to push for it and for it to go through if I had a place to live. When I mentioned that I had people I would stay with plus airbnb she made this sound like it wasn’t enough. 

NOTE TO POTENTIAL OLIM: secure an apartment if you can 

So after we talked a little about job stuff and she went over my benefits. The meeting last about 30 minutes. Then I met with the employment coordinator and she talked fast and had some nice suggestions for me to get started with employment. she then told me to email her my CV.

Afterwards I walked to meet an acquaintace/friend for lunch. He so sweetly offered to pay for my lunch and we had Mexican food (which was good). I want to say that while I walked form NBN to this meeting I felt stressed and pressured about finding an apartment and a job. I literally was lining up a job before finding an apartment. She made that sound like a bad choice and that I needed to focus more on learning Hebrew at Ulpan (5 hours a day, 5 days a week). So prior to meeting someone posted on a group that she and a friend were looking for a roommate in the German Colony area, which I really like. I reached out but again because of Autumn it will be a challenge. I feel hopeful about this but I have to keep searching. 

Back to lunch. Lunch was really nice. I talked about the meeting and it was nice to have my fears assuaged. “Why do you need an apartment first?” he asked. I explain what she had said to me and he just shook his head as if confused. I was confused also. He gave me some helpful information about job hunting too. In Israel it’s really about who you know. CV’s/Resumes and Cover Letters don’t get you the job it’s who you know. So I’m right on the money with all the connections I’m making with people which feels genuine. He also shared that he dropped out of Ulpan because of the 5 hours a day, 5 days a week which is my biggest gripe and why night classes sounded good to me. Furthermore he will continue to connect me with people who might be able to help me with the early childhood education piece. 

So as I sit on the bus back to Tel Aviv I feel a lot better than I did before. I know that NBN wants us to be realistic about our plans formatting aliyah but they are not very good with connecting. They don’t offer you a job or a jobs program. They don’t find you an apartment. Literally they feel like a huge resume database which is helpful and useful when you  understand that, that’s the purpose. 

What aliyah has taught me is that I’m literally starting over. I knew this but I mean everything is different. It’s forcing me to think about things like I never would have before. I mean getting a job means sending off your resume and CV. exceptreallyr it’s not like that here. Telling people hey I’m looking for a job in this field help-and people will connect you. In the states you might feel “too proud” to ask for help and what I’m learning about in Israeli culture and what my lunch friend shared with me today is that you can’t be afraid to ask for help. People in Israel love to help. I keep forgetting that making aliyah is a huge deal here in Israel. Our ancestors came to Israel way back many generations ago. We were then dispersed due to varies wars and when the founders of the current state of Israel came together to make it happen they wanted us to be connected to our ancestral homeland. Israel is the only country, that I know, that has the Law of Return. That is what aliyah is. The Law of Return says any jew living outside of Israel can immigrate to Israel and be a citizen. It’s like we are continuously building on this wonderful legacy and I am so happy I will be apart of it. 

As an aside I’ve spent time in Tel Aviv and Jerusalem and I have seen a lot of brown skinned individuals. Whiter its my fellow African Americans or Africans from the continent but also Asian and south east asian individuals. I can see how in these places Israel is becoming more and more diverse. Just another perk…this and kosher meat

everywhere. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

IMG_6270.jpg

Scared and Anxious in Tel Aviv

img_6225

I’m struggling in a weird way right now. I’m so happy to be home and yet something is off. I’m staying with my friend in Tel Aviv and her boyfriend. Their apartment is beautiful and I’m sitting here thinking about how I can’t wait to have a beautiful apartment to call my own. Then I think about my lack of job and lack of Hebrew skills and it feels like it will never happen. Life for a single person is never easy. I mean one bedroom apartments in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Berkeley San Francisco, etc are expensive. The only way to afford it is to have to people there paying for it. Just punish me for being single why don’t you. 

I’m struggling in a weird way right now. I’m so happy to be home and yet something is off. I’m staying with my friend in Tel Aviv and her boyfriend. Their apartment is beautiful and I’m sitting here thinking about how I can’t wait to have a beautiful apartment to call my own. Then I think about my lack of job and lack of Hebrew skills and it feels like it will never happen. Life for a single person is never easy. I mean one bedroom apartments in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, Berkeley San Francisco, etc are expensive. The only way to afford it is to have to people there paying for it. Just punish me for being single why don’t you. 

I’ve heard so many complaints form people about the low pay and how everything in Israel is expensive in comparison and I begin to wonder if I will be able to make it. A friend keeps telling me how wonderful and cheap Haifa is…but It’s cold, I haven’t been and therefore there is no connection there for me. I’m connected to Jerusalem and I’m starting to feel a little bit of love for Tel Aviv. I want to be in or near one of these places (although Jerusalem is where I really want to be).

So back to feeling strange. My friend left off to work this morning and I’m still here in my pajamas. In all fairness I only arrived two evenings back and I spent all of yesterday sleeping. Yet I feel like I‘m being lazy. My sleep is completely off but it’s been this way for months. I am waking up in the middle of the night and getting on the internet. Autumn got me started with this because she wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. I feel cold so I lay in front of the heater and I have nothing to do so I get on the internet. This was in the states where I would spend time communicating with people in Israel. Now I am here and haven’t stopped this awful pattern. 

Again stop digressing. So I woke up at 2 am, finished off Gilmore Girls and then searched Netflix for something to watch me sleep. I found Dexter and then picked up my kindle and read. By 5:30 I decided it was time to get up and walk. I walked 5 miles (something I haven’t really done in a long time) and explored the city. I returned to the apartment, ate breakfast and showered. I had a call about a job but the person did not answer. So I’m waiting and writing and reflecting. 

 

img_6226

I know my anxiety revolves around making a living here. I am anxious that I wont be able to make enough or I’ll have to sacrifice something in order to have a decent standard of living. When I started my last job I worked 9-5:30 and I sacrificed working out. I was flat out tired and could not get myself to really walk and work out like I used to. So just a couple days outside of work and I have started my morning walk routine again and that has been great. So will I have to give this up to make a living? I did before and I think it contributed to my anxiety and unhappiness. I’m not looking forward to that again. I really don’t want to give it up again.

What about the low wages and expensive places? Or the fact that I want to live comfortably. Here is where I fall back on my memories of Orange County. When I went to grad school I lived in Santa Ana. I was literally a block from the city of Orange which was by my school. My part time job I was a mere 15-20 minutes away driving. The apartment on the outside was not much to look at but I loved it. It was upstairs, corner and had two balconies. I paid $1199 for it (it was a special). The apartment was clean and quiet overall. It was plain and safe. I had furniture donated to me and then I took some of my furniture from my house. I made it mine and I loved it.  I worked three jobs and went to school but everything was ok because I came home to peace. My house was clean and Autumn was happy (we walked every morning). 

 

img_6227

I remember looking online before going to grad school at apartments.  I wanted to live in Tustin or Irvine but when I saw the apartments in person I didn’t like them and they were expensive. Yet I fell in love with my accidental find in Santa Ana. A city that people will tell you is not great. Money was tight for me during this time and I remember being broke and calling family for help, crying. Help did not come either. But some how I stretched and made it work. 

7 years from that experience those fears have re-emerged as I am planning my new life. Worse yet, tv sucks and Netlfix Israel sucks. Theres no way for me to dissociate and avoid my anxieties. They are present and foreboding. That’s what I’m feeling. The second guessing is here too. Am I making the right choice? It’s going to be so hard! Can I handle this? What if…? It’s not a great feeling. But when I look out the window from my friends comfy couch/my bed and see the sun shinning while listening to Israeli radio and hearing the gardeners work I know this is the right choice. I have to face my fears head on. How else will I grow if I continue to let my fears and anxieties drown out my other thoughts. As I write this my friend sends me a message for someone looking for an english speaking psychologist. I mean there really is a need out here in Israel for English speaking therapists that I could help fill. So again why are my fears drowning out my hopes, dreams and wishes? Also when did I become afraid of hard work? More important when did I let other peoples feelings decide my behavior? 

I think when we move into the unfamiliar we seek out comforts any way we can get them. For me it’s the comfort of tv (reruns I’ve seen a million times such as NCIS, Psych, and Monk which I’ve been craving). So I most move into this anxiety and find a way to work through it if I am going to be successful. Other peoples negative experiences do not have to be my experiences. 

One of the things that keeps running through my mind is that I have to do what’s practical. Not necessarily what I hope or desire but what is practical. I really don’t like this as it feels very limiting. How can I grow if I don’t try to do more that whats easy…what’s practical…what others have done. Being practical is another way that my anxiety is speaking to me. If I’m practical and just accept what others tell me or work crappy jobs because I don’t speak Hebrew and that’s all I deserve I will be miserable. I will be like those people who come home, make aliyah and then bounce. This country is not for the faint of heart (I mean I went to the Superpharm this morning and the cashier threw my card on the counter as well as my receipt, all irritated. I was amused by her behavior and sent a text to my friend. I could’ve let her bad attitude impact me or wish that I was back home where (service) people want to talk to you and be your best friend even though its freakin 7:30 am. Ha! Not in Israel my dear and that’s ok as long as she didn’t cuss me out or yell I’m good). 

So now I’m focusing today on the job hunt. I think it’s best that I focus my attention on finding something in Jerusalem since that is where I want to be. I am tired so I think a nap is in order (I did mention that I’ve been up since 2 am and it’s 11 am now) and then hit the ground running trying to meet other therapists in Jerusalem and maybe even be brave and send off my CV. I’ll keep y’all posted on today’s events. 

img_6228

Pilot Trip Day 1

I’ve Decided from this point on to connect my pilot trip by days. With that said today is Sunday, which is my second day here. I’ve all ready written about some feelings that have been stirred up inside me since this adventure began. 

As I get ready for bed, I can’t help but be proud of my little accomplishment. I am in Tel Aviv and I need to get to Jerusalem tomorrow for a couple of meetings. I know nothing about riding the bus and I’m even less confident about my ability to speak and understand Hebrew. So I get on the internet and I start the process of trying to map and plan route. So my friend starts me off gives me the bus numbers I need and it’s up to me to do the rest. I search google and we argue because I spell the name of the street wrong and google acts like it doesn’t understand and cannot locate the address. That took about 10-15 minutes of negotiating before we figured ourselves out. 

Working backwards from my destination (Nefesh b’Nefesh in Jerusalem) I then figure out where it is from the proximity of the central bus station in Jerusalem. I discover that I have three options. 1) take bus number 54 which takes 17 minutes. 2) take the tram which takes 17 minutes or 3) walk which takes 25 minutes. I’m leaning towards walking for a couple reasons. 1) it’s cheaper 2)walking is a great way to get a feel for a city and 3) walking helps me feel oriented in new surroundings. 

So after figuring out how to get NBN from the bus station I then needed to figure out what bus from my friends would take me to the new central bus station in Tel Aviv (which would then take me to the central bus station in Jerusalem). Theres a cool app called called Moovit which helped me figure out how to do this and they also showed me the times the bus would be arriving. 

Lastly I searched for how much this would all cost so I could give as much exact change as possible. All in all I feel ready and prepared for tomorrow. I will bring my computer and write. But who knows I may be mesmerized by the whole thing and snap pictures. I’ll let you know how it all goes.

Pre-Pilot Trip

My pilot trip to Israel is around the corner (as in less than 12 hours until my flight takes off). I am beyond excited. In preparation for this trip I got my hair done. It was a hair emergency as my usual hair dresser of several years did not show up at our scheduled time so I had to go to a new place. I contacted Mr. C and we made it work. Can I just say he did an amazing job on my hair and if I wasn’t leaving then he would be my new hair dresser. As an aside I have been nervous about who will do my relaxer in Israel as I’ve been going to the same person for years. Yesterday was a reminder that new doesn’t always mean bad and can in fact be better than what you had before. 

While in the shop he was playing Christmas music and the other women in the shop were filled with lots of jokes. I had only met these people for the first time yesterday, these black women and the 1 one black man, and they too liberties to tease me about moving to Israel. Thats one thing I love about black culture. We are all family. It’s what I also love about being jewish. We are all family. These people,who do not know me but learned that I was moving away from my family to a new country did their best to convince me to stay, citing how dangerous and scary Israel is. But in the end they were happy and even proud of me. It’s one of those cultural nuances that we all understand that is really hard to put into words but is what is special about black culture in the states. I will miss this.

Earlier in the day I had my Hebrew lesson and I was talking to my tutor. As she got the details of my trip she whips out her phone and says “I will connect you to my friend Michel”. And just like that Michel and I are talking and she’s offering for me to stay at her home and of course show me around. I’ve never met her and she’s willing to do this. Another woman I met online, with the connection being that we are jews of color asks me to send me her CV. She then passes it along to a therapist friend she knows who asks me to contact her. So I do and we are coordinating a meeting for when I’m in town. So this is why I am not afraid to make aliyah. 

The beauty of being jewish and making aliyah is the amount of support I’ve received from strangers. My calendar is all ready filled with new people I am excited to meet. People who I’v spoken to on the phone or through whatsapp or Facebook messenger. People who have taken the time to answer my questions and offer their advice to make this transition as smooth as possible. People who have passed my CV around and opened their homes to me. This is what’s waiting for me in December. 

As another bit of irony it’s looking like another infatada is happening in Israel. Instead of bombs and rockets they are setting fires throughout the country. As of today, November 24, 600,000 Israeli’s have had to be evacuated from their homes. It’s so sad and of course this news has made my family more worried (and just when they were becoming excited for me). I’ve been telling people its not so bad and it sound worse in the news, but arson which is requiring fire fighting planes from Russia, Italy, Croatia, etc to help extinguish the flames is on another level. I am not worried or scared but I feel so sad. I feel sad for the people involved in the arson who feel they have no other recourse. They will be found and punished. Their families will be affected too. The public will have less and less trust for them and thus the cycle will continue to persist. I feel sorry for the families who have to flee. People who may be hurt. People who are losing their possessions and their sense of safety. They will be hardened. 

fire-infatada-2016

So even though I am ready for my trip I am sad that it’s occurring at a time when fires are burning across the country and people will feel more stress.

Ahhhhh….Relief!

This is an update from the previous post: Ahh the Jewish Agency

I contacted my jewish agency representative today. I had to leave a message because their was no answer. Well she called me back hours later and the conversation was very pleasant. I asked her if my email made sense to which she said yes. I asked her if I completed everything I needed to and she said yes. She reminded me about the entry/exit form and then asked me about Ulpan. I let her know my choice and she was ok with that. She informed me that once I return from my pilot trip that the approval should go through quickly with no problems. I let her know how anxious I was that I had forgotten something or would be denied and she said no I was all good. She wished me a good pilot trip and told me to just focus on that piece. So all in all I feel more reassured. 

I am so proud that I moved into my fears and really explored what was driving that because if I didn’t there is no way I would’ve been able to call and get what I needed. Now I feel back on track. 

Ahhhhh…The Jewish Agency

I received an email yesterday from my jewish agency representative that stated: Shalom Jessica:

The reviewer was reading the interview and was puzzled by a statement that I quoted you as saying, “The more you move away from Catholicism (which is easier and easier) the less you even see the value in Christmas or Easter, etc.”  What exactly did you mean by that.

Thanks, Now what am I supposed to do with this? My first reaction was fear and anxiety. My heart beating so fast and loud in my chest. I have been making plans for the past year for aliyah. Autumn is healthy and money is saved (not as much as I wanted but enough). I’ve started reaching out to people, jobs, roommates, etc. So my thought of course went to the worst scenario which is that my aliyah will be denied. Everything I’ve ever worked for will be flushed down the toilet. 

Whats funny as I write this and put my fear to paper I realize just how ludicrous it all sounds. Not ludicrous as in dumb or playing down my real anxiety but an acknowledgement that when something unexpected happens my mind quickly goes to the worst possible scenario. I am surprised because I thought I had moved past that. I have so much joy and positivity in my life that the these thoughts surprised me. The intense feeling did not surprise me though.

I of course immediately emailed my advisor (too bad she was in Israel and couldn’t respond right away) and then my new friend Moshe sent me an email asking when I was coming. I told him what happened and sent him the different emails (including my response to the above: 

Shalom ____,

Can you provide me with more context? I remember a time when I thought I would miss Christmas and Easter as those were very big family holidays even though I never really felt religiously connected to catholism. As I move along in my journey and reflect on my growth I find that I don’t even think about non Jewish holidays. I also have realized to that Christmas doesn’t trigger me as much. I would be very offended when people would automatically assume that I was Christian because I’m black and I would become very upset. Now I’m better able to communicate calmly that I’m Jewish and talk freely and openly, remembering that it’s a great time to teach others about Judaism and how being Jewish is an important and large part of my identity. 

Does that answer the question better? Sorry I was thrown by your comment “the reviewer was puzzled…” but I’ve also been in an emotionally draining discussion for over two hours so I’m a little fried. 

All the best, 

~Jessica)

Not only did my friend explain further what the rep meant, and also validated how puzzling the statement was, but he also reassured me that I would be approved (and also told me I was bad at PR lol). 

So this morning, because it was recommended to follow up with the rep via phone and I was feeling anxiety about that, I pulled out my shadow cards. I spread them out face down and I just pulled three cards. What did I pull?

  1. Anger
  2. Scarcity
  3. Ancestral Code

Picture for AHHH blog.JPG

In that order!

Tell me those were not spot on. Anger-yup I felt Anger. Scarcity-yes I frequently battle with the mindsets scarcity, that I will basically run out of money, is always looming in the background of my consciousness. (please not that my early 20’s were filled with bad money choices so I’ve run out of money before and had to ask for loans twice. The second time was the only time someone, a friend loaned me money,my family cannot rescue me). Ancestral Code-this when following another card asks you to pay attention to the energy of the previous card as an ancestral pattern is at play asking to be acknowledged and cleared. Well, looking at scarcity that was pulled just before I cannot deny the significance. So yes my continued thoughts and worries about scarcity is what drove my anxiety and my insecurity. In my desire to feel accepted and legit within my larger jewish community (as I don’t look jewish) I continue to struggle with not feeling like I am enough, which is a scarcity mindset. 

The only way to tackle this is to face it head on. Acknowledge the feelings but don’t let them stop me from doing what needs to be done. I cannot be afraid to express myself or advocate for myself. I am jewish. I am zionist. I want to make aliyah. So if the representative and her team need more reassurance why can’t I provide that for them? I can and I will. I accept myself as a jew and so will they-because really I must trust and believe in myself before expecting anyone else to do it. Avoidance, although a very practical coping strategy, does not allow me to get the questions I have, answered. Of course I’m nervous and afraid of what the answers will be…but I must move into the space and challenge those fearful thoughts. The fear of something is almost always stronger than the actual experience. 

In thinking about ancestry I do wonder if theres a part of me who feels like if I talk about how badly I want this they will reject me out of spite. I have some vague memories of my mother saying something to this effect and I know her parent probably said it to her. I do believe that  the other part of fear and why I was so triggered by the email. (and just look at how ancestral code comes into play-epigenetic and intergenerational trauma are real)

All in all this experience has made me realize the areas of self that I need to continue working on. I thought I had moved past certain things but they still are in my unconscious. Its good to bring them to light and really explore them and not back away afraid. So later today I will contact the rep and it will be fine. 

Note: Keri Nola is a wonderful counselor who talks a lot about shadow work and healing. I’m really into exploring more a more about this which is why I bought her shadow deck. I wanted to acknowledge that her deck is what I use and to provide direct information about what each card signifies. 

Anger: …Anger is often the shadow expression of hurt. It may show up here to support you in acknowledging how you are using anger as a protective armor…

Scarcity: …This shadow energy lives in the root of the sine and when activated can make it difficult to feel grounded and connected…this card indicates that the situation or relationship you are thing into is being influenced by the illusion of scarcity…

Ancestral Code: …if you have already pulled another card, this card indicates that the shadow energy of that card is an ancestral pattern asking to be acknowledged and cleared. Work with the healing mantra of both this card and the one before…