I received an email yesterday from my jewish agency representative that stated: Shalom Jessica:
The reviewer was reading the interview and was puzzled by a statement that I quoted you as saying, “The more you move away from Catholicism (which is easier and easier) the less you even see the value in Christmas or Easter, etc.” What exactly did you mean by that.
Thanks, Now what am I supposed to do with this? My first reaction was fear and anxiety. My heart beating so fast and loud in my chest. I have been making plans for the past year for aliyah. Autumn is healthy and money is saved (not as much as I wanted but enough). I’ve started reaching out to people, jobs, roommates, etc. So my thought of course went to the worst scenario which is that my aliyah will be denied. Everything I’ve ever worked for will be flushed down the toilet.
Whats funny as I write this and put my fear to paper I realize just how ludicrous it all sounds. Not ludicrous as in dumb or playing down my real anxiety but an acknowledgement that when something unexpected happens my mind quickly goes to the worst possible scenario. I am surprised because I thought I had moved past that. I have so much joy and positivity in my life that the these thoughts surprised me. The intense feeling did not surprise me though.
I of course immediately emailed my advisor (too bad she was in Israel and couldn’t respond right away) and then my new friend Moshe sent me an email asking when I was coming. I told him what happened and sent him the different emails (including my response to the above:
Can you provide me with more context? I remember a time when I thought I would miss Christmas and Easter as those were very big family holidays even though I never really felt religiously connected to catholism. As I move along in my journey and reflect on my growth I find that I don’t even think about non Jewish holidays. I also have realized to that Christmas doesn’t trigger me as much. I would be very offended when people would automatically assume that I was Christian because I’m black and I would become very upset. Now I’m better able to communicate calmly that I’m Jewish and talk freely and openly, remembering that it’s a great time to teach others about Judaism and how being Jewish is an important and large part of my identity.
Does that answer the question better? Sorry I was thrown by your comment “the reviewer was puzzled…” but I’ve also been in an emotionally draining discussion for over two hours so I’m a little fried.
All the best,
Not only did my friend explain further what the rep meant, and also validated how puzzling the statement was, but he also reassured me that I would be approved (and also told me I was bad at PR lol).
So this morning, because it was recommended to follow up with the rep via phone and I was feeling anxiety about that, I pulled out my shadow cards. I spread them out face down and I just pulled three cards. What did I pull?
- Ancestral Code
In that order!
Tell me those were not spot on. Anger-yup I felt Anger. Scarcity-yes I frequently battle with the mindsets scarcity, that I will basically run out of money, is always looming in the background of my consciousness. (please not that my early 20’s were filled with bad money choices so I’ve run out of money before and had to ask for loans twice. The second time was the only time someone, a friend loaned me money,my family cannot rescue me). Ancestral Code-this when following another card asks you to pay attention to the energy of the previous card as an ancestral pattern is at play asking to be acknowledged and cleared. Well, looking at scarcity that was pulled just before I cannot deny the significance. So yes my continued thoughts and worries about scarcity is what drove my anxiety and my insecurity. In my desire to feel accepted and legit within my larger jewish community (as I don’t look jewish) I continue to struggle with not feeling like I am enough, which is a scarcity mindset.
The only way to tackle this is to face it head on. Acknowledge the feelings but don’t let them stop me from doing what needs to be done. I cannot be afraid to express myself or advocate for myself. I am jewish. I am zionist. I want to make aliyah. So if the representative and her team need more reassurance why can’t I provide that for them? I can and I will. I accept myself as a jew and so will they-because really I must trust and believe in myself before expecting anyone else to do it. Avoidance, although a very practical coping strategy, does not allow me to get the questions I have, answered. Of course I’m nervous and afraid of what the answers will be…but I must move into the space and challenge those fearful thoughts. The fear of something is almost always stronger than the actual experience.
In thinking about ancestry I do wonder if theres a part of me who feels like if I talk about how badly I want this they will reject me out of spite. I have some vague memories of my mother saying something to this effect and I know her parent probably said it to her. I do believe that the other part of fear and why I was so triggered by the email. (and just look at how ancestral code comes into play-epigenetic and intergenerational trauma are real)
All in all this experience has made me realize the areas of self that I need to continue working on. I thought I had moved past certain things but they still are in my unconscious. Its good to bring them to light and really explore them and not back away afraid. So later today I will contact the rep and it will be fine.
Note: Keri Nola is a wonderful counselor who talks a lot about shadow work and healing. I’m really into exploring more a more about this which is why I bought her shadow deck. I wanted to acknowledge that her deck is what I use and to provide direct information about what each card signifies.
Anger: …Anger is often the shadow expression of hurt. It may show up here to support you in acknowledging how you are using anger as a protective armor…
Scarcity: …This shadow energy lives in the root of the sine and when activated can make it difficult to feel grounded and connected…this card indicates that the situation or relationship you are thing into is being influenced by the illusion of scarcity…
Ancestral Code: …if you have already pulled another card, this card indicates that the shadow energy of that card is an ancestral pattern asking to be acknowledged and cleared. Work with the healing mantra of both this card and the one before…