Day 9: Last Day

Today I was so hopeful. I was to see two apartments and have a meeting about a job at a mental health clinic in Jerusalem. Well it took forever for the bus to get from Tel aviv to Jerusalem, reinforcing the idea that I am not going to be commuting between the two for work. It’s crazy.
So the first apartment I saw in Rehavia was really cute and reminded me of my place in Berkeley. It was a stand alone cottage with it’s own backyard and locked gate. It was pretty big but the only probably was the damn bars on the windows. I really hate the bars on the window. Also weirdly enough it made me feel isolated and all alone. I don’t know why but that little place made me feel lonely.
The second place was in the German colony, which is one of my favorite places. It was not he first floor (not the ground floor but up a flight of stairs). Everything was new but it was a studio with an enclosed balcony. The windows were small as well. Therefore screens on the windows which I liked and no bars.
But neither places called me. I looked at two others in Nachlaot but they were definitely not me and not worth talking about.
As for the meeting at the clinic, it was in the heart of an Orthodox neighborhood. When I arrived it ws in this make shift apartment and pretty nice. The problem is that they were not really hiring for staff but there was an option to sublet. Part of the issues continues to be that I do not speak Hebrew.
I lef feeling completely defeated. I mean I knew that it would be hard to get a job as a therapist here in Israel without any Hebrew which is why I never really explored it. But there were all these people who we telling me about these clinics with English speakers and it rose my hopes. As I walked back to the bus I just felt like I couldn’t do this after all. I miss know what’s going on. I missed my degree having some type of value and weight. How can I enjoy Israel and create a life when I’m not ding what I love, which is therapy.
As I rode back to Tel Aviv I was on the verge of tears feeling like a huge failure. I did not get an apartment nor did I get job on this trip. More importantly I felt like there was nothing out there for a therapist.
As I sat with my feelings it dawned on me. This is why people don’t make aliyah and why we Americans will leave after some time. There is no support for us. Israel is very different from Israel in so man ways but I think there is this morning of our old lives that happens. We work so hard in college to get a degree and make a career. We slowly climb the career ladder and we find some stability. In the states we are multi dynamic…complex people. In Israel I was finding myself feeling one dimensional. During this trip I felt like I was forced into this binary option.I was not my complex self. Also because I was so focused on the two areas, finding job and finding an apartment, that my creativity left me. As I pulled into Tel Aviv I was just writing and writing. Coming up with ideas with how to help anglos here in Israel as well as to take the weight off my living arrangements by asking if I could stay someone for free until I find a job. My flight leaves in a couple hours and I no longer feel hopeless and like I can’t do this. Now it’s time to get to work.

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