Reconnecting with My Dream

 

I honestly don’t know where to put this because I am all mixed up. This week has felt like hell. Not just because of my banks mix up and the mysterious disappearance of 1,300 shekel but work wise.
The head teacher was gone for a week because her brother was getting married. This meant it was me and a new person working together with my kids. She was with my kids just prior to me starting on and so my boss thought it would be nice to have her back. She isn’t bad but my kids are so attached to me (and also the head teacher) that it has been hard having her do anything for them. Also we are a lot less strict around certain things so it’s kind of hard for them.
As head teacher for the week I needed to teach the class and for a couple days I was in charge of actually planning the lesson not just implementing it like before. To say I’ve hated it is an understatement. I’m so glad I didn’t take the head teaching position. It sounds awful and this week has been awful.
I’ve really not been feeling my job over the course of the past week. I feel unfulfilled but I’m so tired that trying to do any amount of work after work seems daunting. Two things just made me loose it inside. The first was when my boss basically demanded that I work next Tuesday even though its my day off because shes short staffed. She also made me do that this week and I’m not happy. Tuesdays are my days to see clients and I can’t just move at a whim, so I felt frustrated. My bosses husband made the joke “Don’t quit” after his wife made the demand and I said I don’t know. I think for next year her and I will need to have a talk with each other. Then she added me to the group for the 2-3 year old class for next year which means I am not with the same teacher. I feel devastated because I like working with her and I don’t know who this new person is.
This week has really felt crappy. Not because of anything in particular but because I’m bored at work, I really miss doing therapy and being around therapists, and the long days and low pay are starting to impact me. Yesterday as I did some organizing around my apartment, which always makes me feel better, in preparation for the person who will be watching Autumn while I’m home. Normally I’m all about wanting to add this or that to my apartment but as I looked around I felt pretty satisfied with it all. I actually don’t want to glam it all up like I thought when I first moved, I’m happy with the character it has in it’s natural state.
As I walked this morning I reflected about how I want my life to be. I realized that I’d lost sight of this just going through the motions of life. Before I moved I pictured myself waking up, walking Autumn, coming home, taking a shower, drinking a nice cup of tea while sitting on my balcony and eating a nice warm breakfast while reading, and then going off to work. I wanted to slow down. Now I’m at this quick pace all the time and exhausted too. I’m not happy about the momentum and the way life is going for me at the moment.
I have nice sparks, meeting new people, or just hanging with the few friends I have here but really the job front-my career is what I’m really missing. My identity is wrapped up so much in being a therapist. I know people say that you are not what you do but really it is for me. I am not 100% anything but a large pool of what makes me, me, is the work I do helping others. I really love and miss that. My kids, for the most part, have secure attachments. Yes some of the parents need a little bit of help but overall they are good-living parents and their kids are wonderful. But it’s not exciting. I am not using my psychology knowledge here and my role is not to help provide psychoedcuation so it feels boring when your doing it 8 hours a day. Furthermore I really hate having a boss who just dictates to me what to do and I gotta do it. I don’t like that piece where I’m relying on her, in a sense, because she pays me.
I had this thought while walking this morning about my boss and working for someone else. It definitely mirrors our parent-child dynamics to have a boss. They tell you what to do and you gotta do it or face the consequences. If you disagree with them you have to find a way to tell them delicately or else face their wrath and /or consequences. I think the rebel inside me has a hard time with being told what to do so having a boss is frustrating to me, especially when they try to be you friend-it’s like dude we are not equals like that.
So with the hoopla for work I wish I had worked harder at marketing my business before and after I arrived-being tired be damned-because I’m not going to meet my goal of being full by August this year which means I have to stay at my job. The good thing is that I only committed for half a year so I don’t feel so stuck, but I’m tired and I need a break. She asked me if I wanted to do summer camp and I think I will say no. I am just damn tired.
Some more amusing things that have happened this week. I went to the Ma’am office to get my business registered as self-employed. The woman helping me spoke very little English and she didn’t know what a therapist was but some how between my busted Hebrew and her busted english we figured it out. She was super nice and friendly. It also served as motivation for me to get back to learning Hebrew. I thought working at a gan would help my Hebrew but I’m forced to speak English so I constantly stay in an English bubble, only to be slapped upside the head when I try to do any business on my own, that Hebrew is still the language and I need to get on it.
Trying to get my banking situation fixed is causing me so much anxiety. I don’t know what to do about it and how to fix it, just thinking about it makes me want to throw my hands up in the air or bury my head in the sand. I’m hoping my Hebrew speaking friend can help me because I cannot help myself in this situation.
Today I met with two other therapists who’ve made aliyah. One person had a kid client that she introduced me today because she doesn’t see kids. So I met the dad (seems nice) and also the kid, who speaks English at home but preferred to speak Hebrew. He was no different than any other anxious teen and it was nice to fall into something familiar. I’d be anxious that I’d lost something, sine it has been five months since I’ve done therapy, but I hadn’t. It all came back to me and it felt great. Not sure if it will work out but I just felt so sad going home and into the evening because I really have missed being a therapist.
The other is an African-American female who made aliyah and she took a break from therapy but she teaches psychology courses and also does contracting work online for folks in Arizona. She will send me their info in case they have something in California (please say yes). Otherwise we just connected and it’s nice to build community here, it makes Israel feel even more at home. Plus I really want to be making American dollars, I have so many American debts that trying to spend shekels on them feels awful.
So in some ways this week feels really hard and in other words it feels like things are coming together. It’s a surreal feeling. I’m working on blogs and resources for clients as well and that feels really nice, that I feel like I can be available to help people even if they don’t come to me for therapy services. I’m currently working on a piece about mentors and inspiration but it feels really personal and private so I’m torn between wanting to share it and wanting to just keep it to myself and use it as something to keep me going when I’m overwhelmed. I guess we will have to see.

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