The winter continues to be brutal. The raining and cold weather is not dissimilar to what I experienced in the Bay Area and yet I find that my mood more often than not to be in the depressed range of things. Every day is the same thing, which typically I like but I’m finding that its all becoming too much.
Yesterday I finally had enough. I came home and shut my phone off and took Autumn for a long walk. Blasting Demi Lovato I did something I haven’t done in a long time-I just reflected. staying in the present and letting my thoughts and feeling have the space and time they needed. I was exhausted at the end but it was much needed.
I often talk about leaving the gan and wanting to focus on my business. It’s not because the gan in and of itself is a bad place but its because of me and how I operate. I’m emotionally, flat out exhausted. For 8 and a half hours a day, 5 days a week, I’m at the beck and call of 8 toddlers and their parents. Not to mention having to see and receive phone calls and messages on my day off (which I dedicate to my business) and in the evening from coworkers and these same parents. I feel the urge to respond and I cant turn it off. Now that we are short staffed I cant even take the days off that I request to actually spend time with friends or what have you or I’m being guilted into working on my day off. To top it off we have babies in my class who don’t belong, mothers who are away for business, pregnant or who have just given birth on top of kids who’ve been sick for weeks. So what’s left are incredibly needy toddlers who have decided that they don’t want to play with each other or alone but would rather fight with each other or tantrum if I’m not holding them. We are all tired and emotionally exhausted yet I have to be the one holding it all together, because thats me as a person and also as a therapist (wishing I new nothing about psychology right now). So it’s no wonder that my business is suffering, my personal life is suffering and well I’m suffering. I am burned out and I need a break. The next break isn’t until the end of March which is Pesach (Passover). I fear I wont make it until then. I’m at my wits end. Something has to give and so far it’s been my business and my personal life.
This makes me incredibly sad. I am not ready to give up on Israel but in truth I didn’t realize the work situation here. Yes I knew there was very little option but i wasn’t prepared for the emotional toll it would all take on me. I thought I was prepared to double down on the work, because I had done it back in my 20’s. But I’m 34 and in a different place in my life. A place where my time is more valuable than money. Where working as a therapist, my passion is what’s important to me, and where I would like to start a family. At the pace I’m going now I’m not sure if its possible for me to stay here.
I met someone last month who was one week telling me how great things were, despite losing her job and she was happy she made aliyah several years ago. Now this month she’s gone, she left Israel, unsure if she would return. Is that the nature of this place, where one minute you feel like you’ve got it all figured out and the next you’re wondering why your still here. At this point I’m asking myself weekly why I’m still touching it out here. The answers range from not wanting to give up to not wanting to leave my friends.
Back in 2012 I did some soul searching and discovered that there was more to making me happy than work. All aspects of my life, spirituality, relationships, career, health, and my interests/hobbies needed to be properly nurtured and attuned too. I made an effort to do this and my happiness, satisfaction and optimism rose. I was felt more free and open. My relationships with others improved, my health was better and I even learned that I liked cooking, I was apart of an active Jewish community, and I felt rewarded at my job even with the craziness. I tried new things such as trapeze class and got into camping, hiking, and knitting. I connected with my family, Sunday night board games, football and just sitting around laughing at stupid shit was rewarding. These are the things that are not only missing from my life here but the energy to engage in them is also gone. In it’s place is exhaustion and little desire to do anything but get lost in TV, books, or Sims 3. My shabbats are filled with me sleeping and still waking up tired.
So that’s been me and why my blogs have been absent as of late. I have just lost my mojo. The thing that makes me, me and I’m on the path to finding it again. Recently a good friend did a tarot card reading on me and it was amazing all that came out but what was even better was just hearing her voice. The following week I had two Skype calls with two good friends and again I felt so happy and reenergized just catching up and hearing their voices. I think out of everything I’m missing my people. The folks I’ve known for years who’ve seen me at my worst and at my best. Who know me so well and can support me when I need it, without me even having to say anything. Relationships like this require trust and safety which happens over time. So I hope to create something similar here, but thats if I can get out of this funk.
Some positives because its important to highlight these as well. I continue to be noticed and appreciated at work for all the good I do by my parents, coworkers and management. I am getting calls from potential clients which means that I’m making a splash online. Since I haven’t been on the top of my game I’ve let those opportunities pass by but now that my babysitting gig is over I have more time to focus on other things in life. It looks like I’ll be approved as a contractor for ginger.io which should bring me a string of new clients and my application for Cigna insurance has also been approved so hopefully I can get paneled and have clients soon. I’m also looking forward to attending my good friend of over 10 years wedding the second week of February and having the opportunity to dress up nicely for a change. So those are the things that I’m looking forward to. As for the rest only time will tell, but by just getting it all out there I feel a sense of clarity and release that has been absent for months.