Remembering How Far I’ve Come

Wow just wow. This week has been a roller coaster emotionally. On Monday I launched my very first ecourse with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Excitement because I was presenting something I created to help parents who are struggling with their toddlers, learn some new skills. Anxiety because I wasn’t sure if people would buy it. If it would resonate with people and how people would respond to what I had suggested. During this time my dog was also acting funny, not eating, lethargic, and feverish. I couldn’t figure out what was going on and it had me so worried. To add to this I hadn’t hit my goal for my practice and in just a few short weeks I was about to be out of a job that was no longer fitting for me. Then just yesterday one of my kids had a terrible sunburn despite me having put sunscreen all over her and I was utterly exhausted from working the two jobs, that finally I hit my wall. 

A wave of intense feelings and negative thoughts that I thought I had conquered from my past overcame me. I suddenly became paralyzed and self depreciating, not sure what to do next. So I began to clean and organize my apartment. As I did this I reflected and reached out to the mother apologizing. She forgave me and I felt a little better about that. I went to refill my dogs food container and low and behold her food was all moldy. Well that explained why she was feeling sick, so I promptly ordered her some more. Finally I cancelled appointments and went to bed. Waking up refreshed and seeing my dog more like her old self and later seeing the little girl with her face all cleared up was great. Yet there was this piece of me that still felt like crap. I had low energy and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Some changes happened at work and I wanted to scream and just stay home. I just knew everything would annoy me today. 

So on my bus ride I put on some music and blasted the music. I sat with my feelings and my thoughts. I listened to the negative ones telling me that it was a mistake to do this and to do that. I listened to the voice that questioned why I couldn’t stop this pattern of behavior and finally there was the voice that told me I wasn’t brave like all my friend kept telling me but foolish. Foolish for thinking things could be different. 

And as I listened interesting things began to happen. I thought about my ecourse, which has been slow to grow, and for some reason it didn’t matter. I thought about the hard work I put into it and the joy I had creating it, and I began to smile, feeling intense pride for having accomplished something so big and even better promoting it. Talking about it to others and sharing it. The old me would never put myself out like that, for fear of rejection or people not buying it. It’s been a few days and no one has bought it, and yet when I think about it out there existing I’m so proud. It might not sell today but maybe tomorrow or next year. Who knows? But I did it. More to the point I realized, as I was sending a parent a message, that I can want to help people and support them til I’m blue in the face but if they are not asking me or looking for help it’s ok to leave it be. It doesn’t need to be my way. 

I thought about how thoughtful and intentional I’ve been about budgeting my finances. I have learned to live on less and even when more money is coming in, I’m putting my responsibilities and attempting to save above buying the things that I want and really need (everyone knows about the drama of my iphone). I used to worry that if I didn’t have my old lifestyle that I would feel like I would have nothing to offer to people but thats really not true. It then had me reflecting on all my amazing qualities and you know its amazing what happens when you organically start to think about your strengths and actually believe them. A weight was lifted off my chest and I felt free again. Just like that. I went from sitting in anxiety, fear, anger, low self esteem to feeling strong, empowered, capable, happy, and grateful. 

The thoughts kept coming and so with it came some action steps. Yes, this here didn’t go as planned but let’s try this option. Ok let’s spend the weekend thinking about this option (which for me is looking for a part time job to supplement my income as my practice grows rather than settling for something that is beneath my qualifications and expertise. And the feelings of just saying yes I have expertise and specialization in this area, complex trauma, sexual abuse, and child development, so yes I know what I’m talking about and yes I can help you if you want to take the time to listen. Also finding something that reflects my personal values of hard work, kindness, structure, and freedom. Wow y’all it’s powerful!

And as the weight was lifted I paid careful attention to this feeling and wrote about it. I wrote a blog for survivors because really what no one really talks about is that healing is an ongoing progress. Whether you’re healing from childhood trauma or those painful wounds of childhood or even clinical depression there will be times when you start to question how far you have become. As you get bombarded with a series of events, a wave of intense emotions happens and from this, terrible negative thoughts. These can either lead you back to old destructive patterns or they can draw your attention to what’s important and you can refocus-be more intentional. Whats funny is a friend/colleague who I was just thinking about reached out to me today and wanted to talk about a collaboration opportunity. I thought to myself, “all right G-d/universe I hear ya!”

You see I went through my own healing back in 2012, and every once and a while G-d/universe  likes to remind me about how far I’ve come by giving me little tests. So today I’m grateful for the little test this week because it allowed me to remember where I used to be and where I am now. So I have a better appreciation for when people recognize my bravery, my capacity to love, and find joy in even the small things as something thats core for me, because in this moment I’m believing in it myself and reveling in it!

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