Remembering How Far I’ve Come

Wow just wow. This week has been a roller coaster emotionally. On Monday I launched my very first ecourse with a mix of excitement and anxiety. Excitement because I was presenting something I created to help parents who are struggling with their toddlers, learn some new skills. Anxiety because I wasn’t sure if people would buy it. If it would resonate with people and how people would respond to what I had suggested. During this time my dog was also acting funny, not eating, lethargic, and feverish. I couldn’t figure out what was going on and it had me so worried. To add to this I hadn’t hit my goal for my practice and in just a few short weeks I was about to be out of a job that was no longer fitting for me. Then just yesterday one of my kids had a terrible sunburn despite me having put sunscreen all over her and I was utterly exhausted from working the two jobs, that finally I hit my wall. 

A wave of intense feelings and negative thoughts that I thought I had conquered from my past overcame me. I suddenly became paralyzed and self depreciating, not sure what to do next. So I began to clean and organize my apartment. As I did this I reflected and reached out to the mother apologizing. She forgave me and I felt a little better about that. I went to refill my dogs food container and low and behold her food was all moldy. Well that explained why she was feeling sick, so I promptly ordered her some more. Finally I cancelled appointments and went to bed. Waking up refreshed and seeing my dog more like her old self and later seeing the little girl with her face all cleared up was great. Yet there was this piece of me that still felt like crap. I had low energy and didn’t want to talk to anyone. Some changes happened at work and I wanted to scream and just stay home. I just knew everything would annoy me today. 

So on my bus ride I put on some music and blasted the music. I sat with my feelings and my thoughts. I listened to the negative ones telling me that it was a mistake to do this and to do that. I listened to the voice that questioned why I couldn’t stop this pattern of behavior and finally there was the voice that told me I wasn’t brave like all my friend kept telling me but foolish. Foolish for thinking things could be different. 

And as I listened interesting things began to happen. I thought about my ecourse, which has been slow to grow, and for some reason it didn’t matter. I thought about the hard work I put into it and the joy I had creating it, and I began to smile, feeling intense pride for having accomplished something so big and even better promoting it. Talking about it to others and sharing it. The old me would never put myself out like that, for fear of rejection or people not buying it. It’s been a few days and no one has bought it, and yet when I think about it out there existing I’m so proud. It might not sell today but maybe tomorrow or next year. Who knows? But I did it. More to the point I realized, as I was sending a parent a message, that I can want to help people and support them til I’m blue in the face but if they are not asking me or looking for help it’s ok to leave it be. It doesn’t need to be my way. 

I thought about how thoughtful and intentional I’ve been about budgeting my finances. I have learned to live on less and even when more money is coming in, I’m putting my responsibilities and attempting to save above buying the things that I want and really need (everyone knows about the drama of my iphone). I used to worry that if I didn’t have my old lifestyle that I would feel like I would have nothing to offer to people but thats really not true. It then had me reflecting on all my amazing qualities and you know its amazing what happens when you organically start to think about your strengths and actually believe them. A weight was lifted off my chest and I felt free again. Just like that. I went from sitting in anxiety, fear, anger, low self esteem to feeling strong, empowered, capable, happy, and grateful. 

The thoughts kept coming and so with it came some action steps. Yes, this here didn’t go as planned but let’s try this option. Ok let’s spend the weekend thinking about this option (which for me is looking for a part time job to supplement my income as my practice grows rather than settling for something that is beneath my qualifications and expertise. And the feelings of just saying yes I have expertise and specialization in this area, complex trauma, sexual abuse, and child development, so yes I know what I’m talking about and yes I can help you if you want to take the time to listen. Also finding something that reflects my personal values of hard work, kindness, structure, and freedom. Wow y’all it’s powerful!

And as the weight was lifted I paid careful attention to this feeling and wrote about it. I wrote a blog for survivors because really what no one really talks about is that healing is an ongoing progress. Whether you’re healing from childhood trauma or those painful wounds of childhood or even clinical depression there will be times when you start to question how far you have become. As you get bombarded with a series of events, a wave of intense emotions happens and from this, terrible negative thoughts. These can either lead you back to old destructive patterns or they can draw your attention to what’s important and you can refocus-be more intentional. Whats funny is a friend/colleague who I was just thinking about reached out to me today and wanted to talk about a collaboration opportunity. I thought to myself, “all right G-d/universe I hear ya!”

You see I went through my own healing back in 2012, and every once and a while G-d/universe  likes to remind me about how far I’ve come by giving me little tests. So today I’m grateful for the little test this week because it allowed me to remember where I used to be and where I am now. So I have a better appreciation for when people recognize my bravery, my capacity to love, and find joy in even the small things as something thats core for me, because in this moment I’m believing in it myself and reveling in it!

Craziness

I’m usually very bad with titles but not this blog because it’s filled with just pure craziness.
So last I shared with you all I had my fun adventures going around town trying to open my practice or at least making it legit here in Israel. Well that’s still not done because the only day the office stays open late is Tuesday and this past week it happened to fall on a holiday (Yom Ha’atzmaut aka Israel Independence Day) and of course it’s closed on my day off so it will be done this week. I finished a life hanging book called “The One Thing” which is all about how to find your purpose and to make it a priority. So I’ve created a whole new schedule geared toward that and mostly focusing on protecting the time I’ve set aside to focus on my practice. This means using this time to to create stuff such as blogs and resources for my clients, meet with other professionals in order to connect and refer, and finally seeing clients. So far I’ve been tested. Been asked to babysit during one of those times (I’m still on the fence about this) and getting paid late means no food which means I have to switch my shopping day and my time block day. Also I’ve just been flat out tired, not sure why.
So last week after work I went out with two friends from work and we got drinks. I tried this thing called a “spiked lemonana” which is lemonade with mint and vodka. It was so weird tasting but I kind of liked it. Any way it was nice to just sit out in the sun and hang with the ladies. I really don’t do this as much as I would like and I very much enjoy that in just 5 months I’ve managed to make new friends, one from South Africa which is really cool, and to have that connection of being new Olim and working a minimum wage job commonality.

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The crazy guy I went on two dates with attempted to contact me again by reaching out to the friend/hairdresser who introduced us. His stated reason was to apologize to me but since I blocked him he couldn’t contact me so he wanted her to do it. I mean what is this nonesense? We are in our thirties please move on. le sigh*! On the bright side I got a good laugh from it though.
Now the real fun. So the little guy and his brother who I babysit for, I sat for this past Friday. So I was suppose to babysit from 1:30-6:30. So around 6 mom texts and is sorry they are running late but they ran into old friends. Ok no biggie (except in the 8 y/I’d eyes because he wants to have Shabbat dinner with his parents). Any way as the night progresses mom keeps extending the time and is all apologetic. They ended up at a taqueria and then she says they will be right home. She’ll even bring me a burrito on her. Ok fine whatever. So it’s 9:30ish when mom, dad and two other couples come stumbling into the home drunk (in fairness the men were not drunk) and it’s just chaos. I don’t know how those boys slept with the loudness, because there was loud talking and incoherent sentences and I received lots of hugs. And oh yes dear G-d they brought out more booze (this on top of the mixture of wine and margaritas that they all ready had). Then we get a replay of Purim when they tried to order me a taxi and it literally took an hour before they good get one (come to think of it mom was drunk that time too) and so I’m just taking to folks and just watching the hilarity of these drunk women. I wont go into any more details, just in case they happen to stumble upon my blog and get offended (I really do enjoy these parents they are legit the coolest couple I’ve met here so far) but the point, besides the laughing, was that it was a reminder that I need to go out more. I’ll be home in June for a week, there will be some fun times (minus getting drunk, hugging folks, calling someone I’m in the same room with, and damn near passing out on the couch). Then upon my return I plan to integrate more adventures with friends into my life (it can’t be all work).
Then today I’m riding the bus to work (like I do every damn day) and I’m watching this lady sitting across from me. I’m looking at her as she is swaying and closing her eyes looking like shes about to fall asleep. Then she sneezes, except its not a sneeze its vomit and she gets it on the window and on the poor Asian lady in front of her’s hair. The man next to me gets out a packet of baby wipes and we all just calmly move and end up standing. Someone at some point asks her if she is ok and she gets off the bus (at her stop about 10-15 minutes later). I still can’t believe it, like how does one vomit on the bus? If you are motion sick you bring some bags. If your pregnant and you have morning sickness you bring some bags. I’m convinced home girl was drunk from the weekend. I don’t know maybe she hung out with my boys parents and partied after I left Friday.   

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So this weeks conclusions last goals:

1) I need to make more time for the fun stuff
2) I need to make time for self-care (can a sister get her nails done maybe)
3) I need to stay focused on my goals and eventually clients will come